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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Nightmares and Molars

I haven't slept in I can't even remember how long. My little monster began sleeping through the night at around 9and a half to 10 months. So you think I would be sleeping well... With no baby to keep me awake.
The nightmares are a tremendous annoyance in my life. I wasn't even there when the fire started, but I can see it happen in my head a million times. I'm looking over myself in my bed. I can see me sleeping, I can smell the smoke. I can here the dogs yelping and Nati crying. I see everything happen, and then I wake up crying. We weren't there for the fire, so why does my mind munipulate and make me watch us burn? Why do I awake to the smell of smoke, when there is no smoke.
Between me not owning an alarm clock, and my nightmares not allowing me to sleep... I have been late for work 3 times... Tuesday morning... My boss threatened to fire me if I didn't straighten up. With all the compassion and kindness I have seen, I was suprised to get such tough love at work.

Natalie's gums are swollen pretty bad. I know those teeth are coming and, and she is not letting me forget it. The fire hasn't effected her... I think she views it as a move rather than a loss. At only one.. I guess I should have known that the world would not seem so cruel to her. I wish she hadn't chose now to start violently cutting teeth. Mommy needs her sleep... Hopefully I can con my mom into taking a teething shift this weekend and allowing me some sleep.

After being awoken by the nightmare again last night I sorted through Natalie's clothes. I have her closet stocked, and drawers full. A good portion of boys clothes stacked neatly into a box to be donated... and a girls items size 4 and over ready to be donated. A large black trashbag sits in the top of her closet of clothes ready for her to grow into those are 24m to 3t. She has a small backet of toys i steralized and put in her room aswell. I have not counted her diapers yet. They where washed and prepped last night. A few where put in a box for a friend. They where to small for Natalie.. and I know my friends newborn will be able to wear them. He might look a little funny in pink... but at least he has the four that wouldn't fit Nati.

I have so much more time to get things done now that I am only sleeping a few hours between the nightmares and Natalie's teeth pain. Although I get nothing done when she is awake. I love her more everyday. The emotional part of this didn't hit me until I brought her home. I didn't realize just how much she had lost, until I was holding her and her rubber ducky last night. Her smiles make me a little stronger. She knows just when I need a good giggle. Just when I'm about to break into sobs, she will laugh and light up that dark part of my mind. I'm so lucky to have her. This last year hasn't been an easy one... I keep waiting for the easy part... Looks like life has a different plan for me. I would love roses and daisies... but I'm one of those people who get tears and ashes.

I've worked so hard making everything perfect for her. I worked through the morning sickness, worked through swollen feet and low blood pressure. Only passed out once at work while pregnant. I even held to jobs for a little while during the pregnancy. I had just bought diapers, and new clothes. I had just got everything set for the summer to go by easy. I was planning on taking the summer off from school to spend more time at home with Natalie... Now I will be getting my CNA license and working more during the summer. This fire has made the difference between what I want to do and what I have to do..

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Tuesay April Fifth Two Thousand Eleven

Natalie turned one on April first. Just four short days before the fifth.It was any normal day for me and Natalie. We got up had our breakfast, and left to go get some bananas for her... Everything was peachy keen. No warning signs of trouble. No crazy gut feelings... Just normality.

We where returning home from our excursion out of the house, when we got a phone call. My cousin Tammie was crying so loudly I could barely understand her. She kept saying oh my god, oh my god. When she composed herself enough to talk she asked two questions. Where is Natalie? and Where is Billie (Natalie's grandmother who was in town visiting)? I answered that they where both in the truck with me. She began sobbing again. So, I handed the phone off to Billie to see if she could understand her. My mind raced. I couldn't help but to think about her two children. Scared for there lives I turned the emergency lights on in the truck and floored it.

Billie was sobbing in the passanger seat beside me. We came up on a truck that slammed on its breaks in front of us, as I narrowly avoided a severe accident... Billie began to scream. Our house was on fire. Billie's three chihuahuas where trapped inside. I pushed the truck a little more. It whined in distaste as I took a left turn way to fast.

When we arrived at my house a mear 3 minutes after recieving the call... Billie jumped from the vehicle before I even got the truck near stopped. She ran for her babies. My cousin tackled her to the ground and held her there. I jumped out and screamed, "did they get the babies?" Tammie shook her head. I will never forget her eyes. They where so red from sobbing I could see them from the 100ft I was away from them. I ran to Billie's aid. I looked up at the smoke coming from our home. Peaches, our lab mix was both inside and outside. I couldn't remember whether I had left her in that day or not. I began screaming for Roni, Natalie's dog. (My dad will tell you Roan is his, but Natalie will beg to differ) I found roan and looked up at the house. My first glance up and I could see Natalie's room on fire. I watched for a second as her crib began to fall. I almost lost my composure. I knew I had to remain calm. Billie and Natalie needed me to be calm.

I returned to my truck. Tammie and Billie had gotten Natalie out, How could I have forgotten she was in there... I grabbed Natalie and held on as tight as I could. Roni happily lounging at my feet. My aunt Cathy and uncle Leon offered to take Natalie for a little while, while me and Billie determined what we where going to do. As I handed Natalie's belongings over to Cathy... I almost started to cry realizing all Natalie had in the world was the 6 dispoables diapers, 1 package of wipes, 1 outfit, 1 sippy, 1 can of formula, and the clothes on her back. I composed myself, and handed Natalie off to her. Thanking her for helping with Nat.

I stood and watched as everything I owned turned to ashes in this firey void... The image of the fire ripping through Natalie's room and the living room I used as a bedroom still haunts my eyes when I try to sleep. Roni stayed with me and we watched the walls slowly fall. We watched everything powerless to stop it. We searched the yard tirelessly... Hoping that Peaches, Spike, Annabell, or Tinkerbell had escaped. Two of my neighbors have since stated that they have seen Peaches... but no one has been able to catch her. I'm not sure that they have. I think it is there minds hoping that she is out there somewhere alive. Hoping she didn't burn alive along with Spike, Anna, and Tink. The uncertainty of her survival has not been easy for me.

My friends Desiree, Maria, and my sister Leslie arrived at the fire and by the time I got to them... Everything was gone. My house stood as a pile of ashes and a concrete slab it once sat upon. A firefighter approached me asking about the water... All I could respond with.. Was how did this happen and where did it start. He montioned to Natalie's room and told me the hottest part of the fire was there. He thinks it started in her room. My heart sunk. I almost lost it. Thank god for Desi. I needed her there that second.

We regrouped and began talking about what to do from here. I noticed that the tire on my truck was completely flat... Billie gave me 100 dollars donated from an old man that lived near by. I do not know anything more about him than that. If I did, I would send him a thank you card. Me, Natalie, Desi, Leslie, and Maria left to go to Wal Mart. I completely lost it in there trying to buy Natalie something to sleep in... to eat... It didn't hit me that everything was gone... until it was time to replace things...

The outpour from the community, my family, and all of our friends has been tremendous! We have the best group of people surrounding us. Everyone has had open arms and hearts for us. I cannot believe the amount of kind hearted people in this world. As of today, 6 garbage bags of Natalie clothes have been donated, approximatly 11 cloth diapers, a few toys, books, dvds, a crib, highchair, and numerous other items have came to us. We still have a lot left to get, but are so greatful for all the help we have recieved. Words are just not enough to express our gratitude.

As of Thursday morning, me and Natalie have an established place to live.
Natalie spent the time recovering from the fire with her grandparents in Conway, AR. I am so anxious for tomorrow. I cannot wait till she comes home. Our long road isn't completely over just yet, but I wanted to share our story and our love with everyone.

*sorry if this is not so eloquent in typing. It's a pretty emotional subject still today.