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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Nessa - Fat Mommy

Me and David recently took a little vacation to visit his family in MN. When we left for the trip I was topping the scales at 250 + pounds.

I have known for a while that I had to do something about this extra weight. As much as I would love to zap it off over night, that is not possible. Unfortunatly. I returned home weighing just under 240. When I got here, my mom had just started a diet using the Sensa program. I decided to join in with her.

I have been on the diet for about a week and a half. I am no longer starving to death, I now feel content eating the amount recommended for my body. That is an awesome achievement for me. (I thinnk so anyway) I have also reduced my dependancy on unhealthy snacks. Pop, chips, and candies are no longer my best friends.

I weighed in yesterday. I weigh 234. I am at the exact weight I was when I stepped into the hospital to deliver my beautiful baby girl. I started my pregnancy with her at 194 pounds. At the six week appointment post delivery I weighed 206. At that appointment I had a mirena implanted in me. Oops. I had the implant placed in May. By July of that year I was 230. I didn't loose any weight when the implant came out... but I only gained 20 pounds in the year since. :(

I have set a goal for myself to be at 180. So that weight is still heavy for my 5' 6'' stature, but that is where I was most comfortable at. I weighed between 170 and 180 all through highschool, and didn't get up into the 190s until I got a summer job after I graduated. (Ice cream shop, is NEVER a good place to work for a fat kid)

I have lost 16lbs since July first. So I have been losing 8lbs a month... I should get to my goal weight in 7 months if I continue at this rate. (hopefully I can speed this up some :) )

So here's my goal. I will reduce my body by 56lbs between now and my birthday January 6.

56 to go :-D

September First. Seventeen Months Old.

We have been ankle deep in potty training rituals this week! Miss Natalie has adapted her potty excellently. She went by her own free will to the potty twice yesterday. Once a pee, and the other time both a pee and a poop. She had the entire family dancing in the living room in excitement over her achievement! She loves being a big girl.

As excited as I am about having three less diapers to change yesterday, the feeling is kind of bitter sweet. My little girl is growing up. With every milestone she becomes less and less dependant on mommy, and less of mommies baby. I want so much to see her grow and do well in life... but then there is a huge part of me that wants to prevent her from getting any older.

She turned seventeen months old today! Seventeen months! She lost her belly button at seventeen days old, started army crawling at seventeen weeks old... and now at seventeen months she is trying to potty train? I know my feelings about her growing up are natural for a mother... but I want to be her mommy. I want her to need me... It's a really scary thought that one day she won't. I figure that will be around my next seventeen with her... She'll probably hate me by then. :(

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Earthly Baby

Anyone concitering buying diapers from this woman are hopelessly wrong. After the fire I ordered Natalie three hoping to get more in the future as Natalie most certainly needs them, but I haven't been able to afford anymore. I asked Courtney to rush them as much as she could since Natalie was in desperate need of them. I placed the order on April the 13th. Here i sit on the 4th of August still empty handed. I didn't give up on her until July 9th. I thought she would quickly refund my money so I could get Natalie more diapers... But no. No money, and No diapers.
She claims to have had to flee her husband and leave with her children, I don't see how she ended up with six kids when she had told me several times that they where yours, mine, and ours kids and she only had three of her own. She claims not to have access to her sewing supplies to ship any orders, Then on another post... She claims to be selling her sewing items to fund paypal claims stacked against her. She has built this web of lies, and some seem to be buying into it... I am not so niave. I wonder how someone can knowingly steal from other mothers and offer nothing to replenish the wrong she has done.
Am I the only one seeing the line of crap she is feeding people?
She knows my situation. She knows what happened to me and Natalie, and yet she can justify in her mind stealing 80 dollars from us? What kind of evil must a person possess to target some one in a time of need like that.
I was helping her get orders out and helping her sew. I shipped off two of the diapers I paid her to make to be snapped and have soakers applied. I guess her little girl is wearing the diapers I sewed. Something told me to keep those diapers and do everything myself... Don't know why I trusted her to send Natalie back the cupcake diapers I had reordered shortly after loosing them in the fire.
So what can be done about this? After countless e-mails she never responded too and several paypal requests for the money... Do I just give up?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Nightmares and Molars

I haven't slept in I can't even remember how long. My little monster began sleeping through the night at around 9and a half to 10 months. So you think I would be sleeping well... With no baby to keep me awake.
The nightmares are a tremendous annoyance in my life. I wasn't even there when the fire started, but I can see it happen in my head a million times. I'm looking over myself in my bed. I can see me sleeping, I can smell the smoke. I can here the dogs yelping and Nati crying. I see everything happen, and then I wake up crying. We weren't there for the fire, so why does my mind munipulate and make me watch us burn? Why do I awake to the smell of smoke, when there is no smoke.
Between me not owning an alarm clock, and my nightmares not allowing me to sleep... I have been late for work 3 times... Tuesday morning... My boss threatened to fire me if I didn't straighten up. With all the compassion and kindness I have seen, I was suprised to get such tough love at work.

Natalie's gums are swollen pretty bad. I know those teeth are coming and, and she is not letting me forget it. The fire hasn't effected her... I think she views it as a move rather than a loss. At only one.. I guess I should have known that the world would not seem so cruel to her. I wish she hadn't chose now to start violently cutting teeth. Mommy needs her sleep... Hopefully I can con my mom into taking a teething shift this weekend and allowing me some sleep.

After being awoken by the nightmare again last night I sorted through Natalie's clothes. I have her closet stocked, and drawers full. A good portion of boys clothes stacked neatly into a box to be donated... and a girls items size 4 and over ready to be donated. A large black trashbag sits in the top of her closet of clothes ready for her to grow into those are 24m to 3t. She has a small backet of toys i steralized and put in her room aswell. I have not counted her diapers yet. They where washed and prepped last night. A few where put in a box for a friend. They where to small for Natalie.. and I know my friends newborn will be able to wear them. He might look a little funny in pink... but at least he has the four that wouldn't fit Nati.

I have so much more time to get things done now that I am only sleeping a few hours between the nightmares and Natalie's teeth pain. Although I get nothing done when she is awake. I love her more everyday. The emotional part of this didn't hit me until I brought her home. I didn't realize just how much she had lost, until I was holding her and her rubber ducky last night. Her smiles make me a little stronger. She knows just when I need a good giggle. Just when I'm about to break into sobs, she will laugh and light up that dark part of my mind. I'm so lucky to have her. This last year hasn't been an easy one... I keep waiting for the easy part... Looks like life has a different plan for me. I would love roses and daisies... but I'm one of those people who get tears and ashes.

I've worked so hard making everything perfect for her. I worked through the morning sickness, worked through swollen feet and low blood pressure. Only passed out once at work while pregnant. I even held to jobs for a little while during the pregnancy. I had just bought diapers, and new clothes. I had just got everything set for the summer to go by easy. I was planning on taking the summer off from school to spend more time at home with Natalie... Now I will be getting my CNA license and working more during the summer. This fire has made the difference between what I want to do and what I have to do..

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Tuesay April Fifth Two Thousand Eleven

Natalie turned one on April first. Just four short days before the fifth.It was any normal day for me and Natalie. We got up had our breakfast, and left to go get some bananas for her... Everything was peachy keen. No warning signs of trouble. No crazy gut feelings... Just normality.

We where returning home from our excursion out of the house, when we got a phone call. My cousin Tammie was crying so loudly I could barely understand her. She kept saying oh my god, oh my god. When she composed herself enough to talk she asked two questions. Where is Natalie? and Where is Billie (Natalie's grandmother who was in town visiting)? I answered that they where both in the truck with me. She began sobbing again. So, I handed the phone off to Billie to see if she could understand her. My mind raced. I couldn't help but to think about her two children. Scared for there lives I turned the emergency lights on in the truck and floored it.

Billie was sobbing in the passanger seat beside me. We came up on a truck that slammed on its breaks in front of us, as I narrowly avoided a severe accident... Billie began to scream. Our house was on fire. Billie's three chihuahuas where trapped inside. I pushed the truck a little more. It whined in distaste as I took a left turn way to fast.

When we arrived at my house a mear 3 minutes after recieving the call... Billie jumped from the vehicle before I even got the truck near stopped. She ran for her babies. My cousin tackled her to the ground and held her there. I jumped out and screamed, "did they get the babies?" Tammie shook her head. I will never forget her eyes. They where so red from sobbing I could see them from the 100ft I was away from them. I ran to Billie's aid. I looked up at the smoke coming from our home. Peaches, our lab mix was both inside and outside. I couldn't remember whether I had left her in that day or not. I began screaming for Roni, Natalie's dog. (My dad will tell you Roan is his, but Natalie will beg to differ) I found roan and looked up at the house. My first glance up and I could see Natalie's room on fire. I watched for a second as her crib began to fall. I almost lost my composure. I knew I had to remain calm. Billie and Natalie needed me to be calm.

I returned to my truck. Tammie and Billie had gotten Natalie out, How could I have forgotten she was in there... I grabbed Natalie and held on as tight as I could. Roni happily lounging at my feet. My aunt Cathy and uncle Leon offered to take Natalie for a little while, while me and Billie determined what we where going to do. As I handed Natalie's belongings over to Cathy... I almost started to cry realizing all Natalie had in the world was the 6 dispoables diapers, 1 package of wipes, 1 outfit, 1 sippy, 1 can of formula, and the clothes on her back. I composed myself, and handed Natalie off to her. Thanking her for helping with Nat.

I stood and watched as everything I owned turned to ashes in this firey void... The image of the fire ripping through Natalie's room and the living room I used as a bedroom still haunts my eyes when I try to sleep. Roni stayed with me and we watched the walls slowly fall. We watched everything powerless to stop it. We searched the yard tirelessly... Hoping that Peaches, Spike, Annabell, or Tinkerbell had escaped. Two of my neighbors have since stated that they have seen Peaches... but no one has been able to catch her. I'm not sure that they have. I think it is there minds hoping that she is out there somewhere alive. Hoping she didn't burn alive along with Spike, Anna, and Tink. The uncertainty of her survival has not been easy for me.

My friends Desiree, Maria, and my sister Leslie arrived at the fire and by the time I got to them... Everything was gone. My house stood as a pile of ashes and a concrete slab it once sat upon. A firefighter approached me asking about the water... All I could respond with.. Was how did this happen and where did it start. He montioned to Natalie's room and told me the hottest part of the fire was there. He thinks it started in her room. My heart sunk. I almost lost it. Thank god for Desi. I needed her there that second.

We regrouped and began talking about what to do from here. I noticed that the tire on my truck was completely flat... Billie gave me 100 dollars donated from an old man that lived near by. I do not know anything more about him than that. If I did, I would send him a thank you card. Me, Natalie, Desi, Leslie, and Maria left to go to Wal Mart. I completely lost it in there trying to buy Natalie something to sleep in... to eat... It didn't hit me that everything was gone... until it was time to replace things...

The outpour from the community, my family, and all of our friends has been tremendous! We have the best group of people surrounding us. Everyone has had open arms and hearts for us. I cannot believe the amount of kind hearted people in this world. As of today, 6 garbage bags of Natalie clothes have been donated, approximatly 11 cloth diapers, a few toys, books, dvds, a crib, highchair, and numerous other items have came to us. We still have a lot left to get, but are so greatful for all the help we have recieved. Words are just not enough to express our gratitude.

As of Thursday morning, me and Natalie have an established place to live.
Natalie spent the time recovering from the fire with her grandparents in Conway, AR. I am so anxious for tomorrow. I cannot wait till she comes home. Our long road isn't completely over just yet, but I wanted to share our story and our love with everyone.

*sorry if this is not so eloquent in typing. It's a pretty emotional subject still today.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


do you see that happy little widget hanging out on my blog? The dirties on diapering 3.

You should click the widget and read about this project.

It's a really great cause!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Having a photo contest on my facebook page

Here's how it works:
Email us a pic of your baby/child/yourself wearing a bow or baby leggins (preferably Capricious Creations creation, but does not have to be) at  Photos are due by 3-4-11 and will be posted in an album on this page titled Capricious Photo Contest. On 3-7-11 the photos will be up for voting purposes.  Voting can be completed by "liking" the pictures.  You can get votes by referring friends or linking the contest on your page to get people to come vote. Also, the comments must be on the photo IN the contest album - comments made on your own link, or photo posted on your site will not count.

Voting ends on 3-18-11, and the winner (photo that recieves the most likes) will win a $5.00 credit for CapriciousCreations bows or baby leggings.  2nd place will win a a large free bow.

Now let's see those pictures!!!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Natalie found the pacifier I bought for her memory box abou a week ago... Since then Paci's have became a prominent source of entertainment for miss Nati. She will be a year old in 1 and a half months. Isn't she to old for a Paci? I bought her two more, since the Natalie paci belongs in her memory box... I am not sure what to do about this new found obsession...
I have a feeling this fight will not end well.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Bow Day

I have spent a few hours today making hair bows. I really want to show them off.
 Korker bow hanging on Nati's bow holder.
Butterfly bow.

My Camera has been acting wonky lately.. I need to get new batteries, so my display screen won't let me see the pictures. The picture quality is bad as a result.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Guess who took 4 consecutive steps today!!!

Natalie took four steps today!!! I'm pretty excited about it. 

She has taken one or two when she is with other babies, but this is the first time she walked by herself without any baby to show off in front of. 

My excitement is dwindling and some scared feeling is settling in. I am about to start moving things one shelf higher and I am going to have to go buy some baby proofing safety stuff. If she is anything like the other babies in my family, she will be out of control in just a few  days...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


\\In high school my teachers always praised my writing. They where always writing the best comments on my reports. I took a lot of pride in it, and was usually the last one to turn in a writing assignment because of the level of perfection it needed to be complete. It was a skill I was very proud of.

I haven't picked up a pen and seriously wrote since high school. It's been almost three years and not one of my thoughts have touched paper. I don't even feel like I know what I am doing anymore.

My first writing assignment in college, and I can't find a way to get started. I used to leave high school english classes unable to write because, I had to many ideas of how to portray my story in a satisfactory manner. When I received this paper assignment, I left unable to write because nothing would come to my head appropriately. My pen taps the paper, my hands rest on the keys, and nothing comes to mind. The blankness of my mind is beyond my control.

Maybe it's linked to this being a fictitious assignment, or maybe it's a lack of using my mind. I feel so lost. Why can I write here, but not write this paper?

Ok I will get this paper written. I will.

Off I go now...


The assignment:
Each student in the class was given a picture and told to write a fictional story about it. We could be from any point of view. She wants us to actually tell a story, not a descriptive essay of the picture. I think I got pretty lucky with my picture. A friend of mine ended up with one of two people engaged in what looked to be a sexual act... lol.

My picture is a woman standing in a garden with her eyes closed, and her arms down.
She is pushing a wheel barrow with a puppy inside the it. The puppy is a cream poodle looking dog.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


I'm incredibly tired of all the drama in this area. I question my motivation for moving back here from Tulsa. My life is in shambles... I'm not sure how I will do in school... I think I will have to transfer after this semester... Looks like I will continue to fail at living in my "home" town...

I have decided that I am not going to be miserably fat anymore! When my income tax gets here I am going to buy me a new ab wheel. I started tonight using my hip hop abs tapes. I want to be healthy. Natalie deserves a healthy role model. I don't want her growing up thinking that reeses are an acceptable breakfast food. I want her to grow up continuing her love for vegetables and getting plenty of exercise. I will do this. Every second that I think I can't... I will look at her and find it somewhere in me to be strong enough to do what I need to do to be a healthy mommy to her.

As of about an hour ago I have set a goal to loose 30 lbs. That will get me back to my pre-pregnancy weight. How I gained 20lbs in the last 7 months is beyond me. I blame the recent holidays. I believe that setting small short term goals will get me there. I have nearly 100 to loose, so I will start small and build. I will do this!

Ok I'm pumped now... Let's see how I feel next week.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Want free diapers?

Click my referral link so I get a bonus. I just cashed out for my first $30 check... Thats what 5 of those ebay diapers like I just got? 

Nati first birthday

Flutterfly Fun Blue Birthday Invitation
For hundreds of birthday card designs, click here.
View the entire collection of cards.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Dear Nat Nat

As I type this I am literally crying. Please disregard typos.

Mommy loves you more than all the stars in the sky. I miss you so much. I am so torn about starting school. I feel as if maybe I should have waited until you where older and in school, maybe then I wouldn't feel so much like I have abandoned you. I sneak a peak at my phone in class, not to see what time it is, or to text really quick, just to take a look at your smiling face on my screen. I feel so uncomfortable in class. I don't like getting up in the morning and missing my Nati time. As it is I barely have time to dress you and take you to Tammie. Every second that I steal away to love you before I leave gets me into trouble when I arrive at school late, but I need our morning interaction to get through the day. I know my instructors don't understand, but I know you do.

I wish I could stop and pick up dinner on the way home everyday, I hate how dinner preparation takes away more of the time I have to spend with you. I know I may not be keeping the cleanest house in america, but I know that you are getting to spend the most time possible with mommy. I love our bath time at night. I love watching you smack your rubber duckies under the water, and your laugh melts my heart. I wish there was a way I could sneak you into my classes, but I know you would make yourself known. I know you my Nati could not bear the thought of a human being being present and not paying attention to you.

I hope that this schooling pays off and that the time I miss with you now will be worth it some day. I want to give you the world, but in order to give it to you I have to finish school. I just never knew it would be this hard.

Mommy Loves you Nat-Nat,
Love Mommy.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

First Day

Today was my official first day of college.
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I have
English Comp
American Federal Government
College Algebra
American History
Freshman Orientation

Tuesday and Thursday I have
Intro to Sociology  

I am really excited. I am currently doing a 16 hour schedule. I am hoping that I can handle this case load... and maybe carry a larger case load in the semesters to come.

Visit my etsy  any money made here goes to my books and stuff needed for Natalie. (You know you want some babylegs)

Monday, January 10, 2011

My etsy is open!

Babylegs online now!

Snow and Walking

Yesterday it snowed here for the first time in Natalie's life and she took her first three steps without falling.
I am not a fan of the snow, and never have been. As I warmly dressed Natalie, I readied my camera hoping to get a few shots before she got cranky. She really surprised me. She took to the snow like a fish to water. Natalie took off crawling and feeling the snow. She really was curious about it. After about five minutes I got cold and brought her in. She probably would have played all day if I hadn't got cold.

.At night, we commonly put in a movie and lounge on the couch until Natalie falls asleep. Last night Natalie was way to energized from an exciting day and was not yet ready to get any sleep. I let her down to play, hoping she would play off the excess energy and get some sleep. Instead, she stood up on her music table and played for a while. I was watching her play and laughing along with her. She reached out her hand and screamed AH AH AH at me. Obviously I wasn't doing something right. I reached out my hands and Natalie walked into them. We did our celebratory Yay Nati! clap and I tried for about an hour to get her to repeat it. Unfortunately She refused to walk again yesterday. Soon everything will have to go up one drawer higher. My little monster is almost mobile.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Mom's Don't Pee

A casual trip to the bathroom can have astronomical effects onto your living space if you are a mom. I left my post folding clothes to make a quick run to the bathroom, and returned to find my beautiful infant daughter throwing all my folded clothes off the end table and deposited them safely behind the couch. Thankfully she left my important papers alone on the table.
The only thing she didn't think of was how to escape from her depositing ground without any pictorial evidence. She will love these pictures as a teenager.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


Being anywhere at 8 a.m. has never been easy for me. I'm just not a butt crack of dawn kind person. So when I finished with testing yesterday and made my way to admissions, I was starting to dread enrolling into school.
I talked with the admissions counselor and began compiling a schedule... and to my surprise she didn't have a problem with me not wanting to show up and 8. So my first class is at nine in the morning. Yay!
I have twelve hours spread over Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I am in an Allied Health program for now, but hope to be accepted into the Radiology program soon.

So I am now armed with a Student ID and a Schedule. I am a Student at CASC. I'm pretty excited over the whole situation.