I haven't slept in I can't even remember how long. My little monster began sleeping through the night at around 9and a half to 10 months. So you think I would be sleeping well... With no baby to keep me awake.
The nightmares are a tremendous annoyance in my life. I wasn't even there when the fire started, but I can see it happen in my head a million times. I'm looking over myself in my bed. I can see me sleeping, I can smell the smoke. I can here the dogs yelping and Nati crying. I see everything happen, and then I wake up crying. We weren't there for the fire, so why does my mind munipulate and make me watch us burn? Why do I awake to the smell of smoke, when there is no smoke.
Between me not owning an alarm clock, and my nightmares not allowing me to sleep... I have been late for work 3 times... Tuesday morning... My boss threatened to fire me if I didn't straighten up. With all the compassion and kindness I have seen, I was suprised to get such tough love at work.
Natalie's gums are swollen pretty bad. I know those teeth are coming and, and she is not letting me forget it. The fire hasn't effected her... I think she views it as a move rather than a loss. At only one.. I guess I should have known that the world would not seem so cruel to her. I wish she hadn't chose now to start violently cutting teeth. Mommy needs her sleep... Hopefully I can con my mom into taking a teething shift this weekend and allowing me some sleep.
After being awoken by the nightmare again last night I sorted through Natalie's clothes. I have her closet stocked, and drawers full. A good portion of boys clothes stacked neatly into a box to be donated... and a girls items size 4 and over ready to be donated. A large black trashbag sits in the top of her closet of clothes ready for her to grow into those are 24m to 3t. She has a small backet of toys i steralized and put in her room aswell. I have not counted her diapers yet. They where washed and prepped last night. A few where put in a box for a friend. They where to small for Natalie.. and I know my friends newborn will be able to wear them. He might look a little funny in pink... but at least he has the four that wouldn't fit Nati.
I have so much more time to get things done now that I am only sleeping a few hours between the nightmares and Natalie's teeth pain. Although I get nothing done when she is awake. I love her more everyday. The emotional part of this didn't hit me until I brought her home. I didn't realize just how much she had lost, until I was holding her and her rubber ducky last night. Her smiles make me a little stronger. She knows just when I need a good giggle. Just when I'm about to break into sobs, she will laugh and light up that dark part of my mind. I'm so lucky to have her. This last year hasn't been an easy one... I keep waiting for the easy part... Looks like life has a different plan for me. I would love roses and daisies... but I'm one of those people who get tears and ashes.
I've worked so hard making everything perfect for her. I worked through the morning sickness, worked through swollen feet and low blood pressure. Only passed out once at work while pregnant. I even held to jobs for a little while during the pregnancy. I had just bought diapers, and new clothes. I had just got everything set for the summer to go by easy. I was planning on taking the summer off from school to spend more time at home with Natalie... Now I will be getting my CNA license and working more during the summer. This fire has made the difference between what I want to do and what I have to do..